A Broken Percy
by Dastardly Fiend
Summary: What if, Percy was screwed over to the point of Nihilism? And drunkenly blogged about his troubles Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

::Daily Rant.::

Subtitled, "And people wonder why I'm a man, of self-loathing and hypocrisy."

Sorry to disappoint those who were expecting a well thought-out, elegantly written article; I'm writing to vent, and hopefully to achieve something positive in the aftermath.

In sixteen years I've seen far too many people invoke malice on others with no gain for themselves. On this site, more so any site - but also every where I go. I see rampant, flagrant dishonesty, civil dishonor, and negative actions that confirm the most optimistic interpretation of my ideology: that enough people are miserable crap-bags who would rather cause harm than nothing at all, to warrant personal justice - and not care at all for the consequences. With me, in my solopsistic and self-loathing world, that personal justice is emotional cleansing to apathy, existential diss-acknowledgement if possible.

When I screw up - or do something I regret, it's a different story, and I take what I deserve. If any of you knew what I lose for screwing up, you'd understand what I accept each time it happens.

Before, even, if you call me sick, seeking, even assuming, the goodness in each individual is a personal duty of mine, and perhaps an obsessive cause of my ultimate disappointment: People are good until proven otherwise. They just have an uncanny knack for proving themselves otherwise, and each letdown represents a further setback for humanity. And a setback for the mean-spirited and the ungrateful with nothing better to do than abuse my best efforts and emotions.

So. In order to make this entire 'give the world, a piece of my mind', ranting today mean something - I want you to close your eyes, and imagine yourself as somebody different. Model that person, off of what I am about to tell you. Ready? Can we begin? Alright, here goes.

Every day, and near every waking minute of it - you give your entire being, in the hopes of making another's life better - and you get it thrown on the ground and shit on, after they're done with you. After a while, it becomes the norm - watching them walk away without a care in the world, while you're on the ground vulnerable and broken. You try to hide it, and do a pretty good job of it. But, you can't erase the result of what happened on your morale and psyche. You're left with distrust, self-loathing and yet you can't help but do it all over again with someone else who needs it at the moment. Because, without this purpose - you're nothing. And you accept that, despite all evidence of you being wrong and others saying so as well. I don't have a good logical structure to support all these, all I have is my feelings.

You try to cheer yourself up, and fill yourself with a euphoria that knows no bounds - so apparent, that it seeps out from you and others can sense it. Then, later on - your inner cynic awakes within you laughs at you, as he knows the truth. You can't be happy. As long as you do this to yourself, and cause the self-destruction of drugs, and alcohol abuse - along with the occasional sleeping with whoever's there at the moment to hold your fragile mind together - you will never know, happiness. But, again - you've accepted you never will, and are okay with that on a level. Even though, years ago - the only thing that drove you to do this, was that feeling that died out long ago - that warm and fuzzy ting you get when you helped someone. But that was before, you knew what people were capable of - truly. Ignorance, truly is bliss - and you know that now.

You find yourself, not caring about anything - except, when your next numbness will come forth. You don't care about the future, other than that. You don't care whether you will be here, for years - or mere months. You don't care, what you have to do - to gain that numbness, as long as it is satisfying. That numbness being, an emotional stability of being neither extremely self-hating or extremely happy, just - being. Even if, doing so - only makes your thoughts more confusing and hard to decipher, causing you to have to destroy and throw them away to start from scratch. Doing things you wouldn't even consider in the past, as they were too vile and you were too self-righteous.

That's the best that I can make of the situation. And that ends, your 'being someone else, for a day'. Stepping into another's shoes, one might say - and that other's shoes, were mine. You were me, well - a part of me, as there are many things going on in my life, and this is only but a third of them.

::Conclusions.::

I can't work any harder or dedicate myself any more than I already do. I can only inform those of my gratitude for giving me what I know now, or the ramifications of their venom.

The only outcomes are that I continue to create, are - continuing to be emotional punching bag for someone who needs it at the moment, and quickly forgets about it. I lose my mind - doing so. Or, give up and provide only light support. I'd give up altogether except that I've already dedicated myself to this, and stuck to my conviction - going way back to day one, when I resigned myself to this fate. And, that's just fine, as long as the sufferer has gained a better view of where their problem lies. Or, have been fixed entirely. It's his/her own responsibility from now to choose which path to follow.

But, keep in mind - people.

I'm only one guy. I can only help so much. I can only know so much. I can only try so hard. And I can only be kicked in the teeth so many times, before my smile becomes a sneer.

And people wonder why I break - losing and forgetting everything, for moments - and embody a completely different person at times. That, nihilistic - and cold hearted bastard who'd like nothing more than to make you miserable. Or, that one guy who won't give a care in the world - about you or himself, because he thinks - "Why take anything seriously, if you're just going to lose it tomorrow?". Contradicting, I know - but we live in a world of contradiction, and they will go on unexplained unless we do our part to try and understand them.


	2. Another Drunken Rant

::Daily Rant::

Subtitled, "I'd Wish People Would Understand".

Firstly, before I end up digressing on the entire meaning of this 'oh-so-needed' rant, I wish to state that we are all only. humans - and that it's human nature to make mistakes. We're going to be weak at times, we're going to vulnerable and we may not like it. It's all apart of the learning process, and because we're always learning something new - there's always going to be a time where you make a mistake, and error - and realized you're still flawed.

Now. Every action has, some sort of reaction - and while that may seem to be horribly cliche, and a knock off of some - mainstream animated television show, it's true. To my knowledge, all of my own actions, all of my mistakes - have had a reaction. Either equal, or of the lesser and greater - extent, the notion that they've all been a reaction of some course of reasoning is completely self evident to me. I'm not without flaw, and I'm not that good of a person.

Things, /are/ my fault - I'm not just a victim, but you have to understand that I'm human. I have parts of me, I despise - and things about me that others loath. I choose to do things, and some of those things - right or wrong in my eyes - may very well cause something detrimental to another, or a certain situation. There is no excuse, for causing the harm of another - but the fact of the matter is, reiterating - we are only human.

Usually, my rants are for supporting nihilistic - and realist notions, which are enforced through my empirical evidence - but understand. The pessimism contained in my writing is by no means to be taken as a program for doing nothing, and caring for nothing - as contradicting as that may seem, bear with me. There is little to lose but pride, and respect - but everything's at stake; as such it is a necessity that the anxiety of of your problems, be translated as a weapon of knowledge. The only thing in this world I have come to know as stable, that I can rely on when everything is falling apart, is a shared and electrifying knowledge of pain, of the conditions that produce such a miserable existence.

Realize this, and ponder it. When you do, you might try then, as I did, to find a sky so full of stars it will blind you again. Only no sky can blind you now. Even with all that iridescent magic up there, your eye will no longer linger on the light, it will no longer trace constellations - and dream of happiness. You'll care only about the darkness and you'll watch it for hours, for days, maybe even for years, trying in vain to believe you're some kind of indispensable, universe-appointed guardian of the weak - and that there's a point to your life. You begin to realize, that there's really no point - because you'll end up making more and more mistakes with the people, that gave your life some comfort, because you're too ignorant to pick up signs and hold your tongue when needed. Because you're not mature enough, to be a bigger person - because you make choices, that hurt the ones you made your purposes - before truly, accepting this unadulterated truth, of Nihilism of the world. It will get so bad you'll be afraid to look away, you'll be afraid to sleep - for fear of contentment, through the act of rest and relaxation. You don't deserve contentment, or - you begin to not want it, for you despise it. Growing used to this shell of extremist realism.

It, gets so bad - that no matter where you are, in a crowded restaurant or on some desolate street or even in the comforts of your own home, you'll watch yourself dismantle every assurance you ever lived by - just to spite your own self. You'll stand aside as a great complexity intrudes, tearing apart, piece by piece, all of your carefully conceived pleasure and relationships, whether deliberate or unconscious. And then for better or worse you'll turn, unable to resist, though try to resist you still will, fighting with everything you've got not to face the thing you most dread, what is now, what will be, what has always come before, the truth. Bringing out the creature you truly are, buried in the nameless black of a name. And then the nightmares will begin.

Let's personify, those nightmares - the embodiment of primordial fear. Take a minute, to imagine your greatest obstacle and fear - what could send you retreating within a shell of mock madness to escape from it. Get it? Now, try to grasp that - on an entirely greater scale - rivaling the metaphysical scale of which, it is created from. Though, I fear that sentence made no literal sense - so I continue. If you could pretend for a moment to grasp how powerful a weapon fear can be when it catches us, defense less - and vulnerable. What /is/ the essence of this fear you feel? What truly makes up, the thing that is slowly killing you inside. Imagine, finding out what that was...I did. And even now, my heart flutters like frantic wings of a frightened moth, and my stomach tightens in on itself so much that my lungs emitted a stuttering wheeze from me trying to draw a desperate breath.

What deliciousness, the power of this was - this anxiety - and how I can't thwart it for the life of me. A trembling fear, that defies the understanding of the universe. It haunts me with the most disturbing imagery, so much that I vomit and hit the floor, with each time I see it. And every time I get up, to study that visage once more...

I wish I could break the mirror, because of what it shows me.

::Conclusion::

Wanna hate me? Join the club, I hate myself too.


End file.
